Creating healthy boundaries is the key to contributing to our self care. Understand what it means to create boundaries and how to implement them.
Boundaries can take place in many forms and they don’t always have to be boundaries on another person, it can also be applied to self boundaries. Personal boundaries are essentially put in place to create healthy ways of navigating and communicating with others or yourself. It sets a tone of what you will tolerate and self-compassion for one’s self through acknowledgement and being respected. When we hear the word boundaries we often think something along the lines of separation, division or limits and when expressing our thoughts to someone they could perceive it as not wanting to speak to them as much. However, that should not stop a person from creating healthy steps to maintain their wellbeing
Implementing boundaries with people who you already have a relationship with can feel very awkward or feel like you are creating a divide but, in any relationship expressing yourself is a great way to understand another person’s needs and also will benefit your wellbeing in the long run. Boundaries can be formed in friendships, relationships, at work, with yourself and many more.
Let us get into the benefits of why we should create healthy boundaries.
Creating boundaries removes the anxiety and stress of experiencing things that do not contribute to your mental health and well being:Ever experienced being invited out somewhere and feeling obligated to go and once you arrive at the destination, all you want to do is leave but you are rooted to the ground, swarmed with thoughts like a bee’s nest and overthinking what people would say if you left the event, resulting in you having a mini anxiety attack. All of this could be avoided if you set healthy boundaries for yourself and ask yourself if this is truly something you want to attend.
Healthy boundaries allow you to successfully communicate your wants and needs without disregarding your feelings:
We often ignore our feelings to please others but, it is we who feel it in the end. Not validating your feelings can lead to burn out.
Boundaries can be flexible:
They don’t have to be strict, ridged instruction that can not be moved. The fluidity of boundaries allows you to communicate and check with the other person.
Boundaries are the psychological self-care that we don’t see but feel
Boundaries develop a healthy respect for one self
Examples of healthy boundaries:
Limiting your consumption use on social media or technology
Keeping away from people who don’t contribute to your mental health
Having self-compassion for yourself
Validating your feelings and response to situation
Saying no without feeling guilt
Physically removing yourself from places that make your anxiety rise
Not sacrificing your plans or goals to please others
Attachment vs Detachment. Negligence of self in a relationship
*Disclaimer when I mention the word relationship, this includes friendships, platonic and romantically, parents and children, anyone who you share a bond with.
In my original post I spoke about attachment vs detachment as an overall theme and now I am going to be specific about this topic but in relationships
Attachment is a form of dependence and naturally, in a relationship this is shared between two people. Because we are so inquisitive about an individual other than ourselves, we try to gain as much knowledge as we can. But, when we attach a strong attachment to someone it can lead us away from our own truth because we are encapsulated in their world.
When we love someone wholeheartedly whether platonic or romantic we get blindsided to the reality that is in front of us because we are emotionally attached to the individual and the situation. We are so committed to a person that we are unwilling to accept the things going wrong and the values/morals we don’t stand for.
Simone Weil sums attachment perfectly she says “Attachment is the great fabricator of illusions; reality can be obtained only by someone who is detached. ”
I believe we’ve been misinterpreting the meaning behind detachment for a long time now. When we think of the word detach or detachment, our first response is distance, ghosting someone and being closed off. But, that’s not it. You can be detached in a relationship and still do the things you naturally do with each other. When you put all your happiness, expectation and love in another person, when they leave, you will suffer the consequence and feel empty and lost. This is because you were dependant on them for everything. It then begins a conversation on why were you so attached. Is there a void you’re missing and that person ‘complete’ it..
I’m not saying to be cynical of all your relationships, I in fact, encourage you to love and be passionate wholeheartedly.It is not until you are neglecting the self, is where detachment is required.
Ultimately the messages I want to share is:
Be independent in your relationship
Don’t take things too personally
Detachment is healthy
Do not neglect yourself
I would love to hear your opinions on attachment and detachment. Let me know in the comment section.
Attachment vs Detachment.
When is holding on too long affecting you.
I have been challenged in writing this blog post because there is so many things I could talk about based on this topic….but we would be here for ages. I am going to start with attachment vs detachment in general and in the next coming days, I am going to go into more depth with specific types of attachment.
We are attached to many different things, material goods, relationships, friendships, life and thoughts and they either spark something within us or dull our sparkle. The experiences and attachments we have clouds our judgement which results in overthinking. An example of this is the attachment to past life experience. The subject is the ’past life’ and the attached emotion is regret. The hybrid of the experience and emotion together can have an individual over analysing the past, reliving the experience in their head and creating different scenarios of how they would do it differently if they could.
This type of attachment can lead to a negative state of mind about our past, present and future self. It gives a disservice to our present because we are not living in the moment, we are too focused on what has already passed.
When we have an attachment to something, we don’t want to let it go so we keep hold of it for as long as possible even if it hurts us in the long run, it’s the certainty of the unknown if we let go of it, what will happen.
This is why we need to reevaluate what we are desperate to hold on too. Detachment enables you to get out of the mind frame of controlling things by being able to remove yourself and not take things too personally.
It is one of the hardest things to do because you have built up this visionary in your head, where you have constantly replayed it, scrutinised it and adapted it, to suddenly letting it go and having a change of habit which isn’t natural for you. Detachment is an understanding of coming to peace with things that are in your life and when it’s ready to let go, you can do it effortlessly.
Be mindful in the next coming weeks of what you attach yourself to and the messages you constantly tell yourself. Perhaps you’re holding on to a friendship that no longer serves you or a thought that is fearing change.
Keep your eyes open to read about specific types of attachment in my next post.
If you experience any emotions, well my friend. Congratulations you are 100% human!
We currently live in a world where positivity is at an ultimate high and almost makes you feel discouraged if you’re not happy 24/7.
We are human and as humans, we are taught to feel emotions. Emotions are good. Emotions are our minds reacting to things we’ve experienced and from that reaction, we determine whether it was an enjoyable experience or sparked a feeling that didn’t sit with us as well. If you try to be happy 24/7 you will eventually burn out. In a culture that prides itself on not catching feelings, we ultimately remain untruthful to ourselves and has a damaging effect on our mindset.
When I feel an emotion coming on based off an experience that I didn’t like, instead of trying to cover it up and distract myself. I sit with the feeling, I work out why am I reacting in this way, I allow my whole body to feel this emotion. I find ways to express how I feel, mainly through journalling and I note down what has taken place, my reaction to it and how I can move forward in a healthy manner.
I don’t sit with the feeling for too long because that’s when you enter the downward spiral. of overthinking. Once I find an answer, I release this emotion and work on finding a way to bring myself back to a high vibe.
For me, feeling my emotions first and reacting later to a situation, helps me diffuse any experience I have towards a person, place or thing. When you react off instinct you can later find yourself regretting something you’ve said. Removing myself and looking at it from a wider perspective enables me to approach in a healthy way.
So, next time you feel betrayal, hurt, anger, confused or any other emotion, sit with the feeling, what is this feeling, what is it telling you and how can you move forward in a healthy manner that benefits you.
Every day we are presented with a new situation that tests us as humans. We get tested on our patients, beliefs, behaviour, faith and many more. Often we have two ways we approach it, we either complain profusely or we don’t engage with it at all. Mainly we start with the first and go into the latter. But, the question we never ask is what is this teaching me. For example, I will give you an experience that happened to me.
I was in a conversation with someone and I was explaining something that to me sounded simple but, the other person did not understand after the 3rd time. At this point, I was already irritated previously and this enrages me even more. I started to become short and snappy with this individual. After the conversation had ended I realised I was thinking all about me throughout the conversation and I never took into consideration how the other person might feel, perhaps I wasn’t explaining it right or maybe it just took them a little longer to process everything. At that moment I lacked empathy and if it wasn’t for me having time to reflect on the scenario, I would of never know my actions conveyed that way. What did this experience teach me? It taught me the art of empathy and patience. Everyone is not the same, we all have our ways of understanding, learning and processing information differently. You shouldn’t be penalised, ridicule or belittled because it takes you a little longer to process it. We have all been in a situation where this has to happen and we know what it’s like to be on the receiving end.
So if you’re in a situation where a particular emotion inside you starts to ignite, just refer back to this question.
Ever had someone who puts you down, controls you, competes with you or makes you feel like your the ‘bully’? If you answer Yes to any of them. You have a toxic individual in your life who needs to be removed.
I’ve had many friends who I simply had to remove out of my life due to them affecting my energy and not supporting my growth. I’ve had people ask me do I miss my old friends and my answer is always NO and I’ll tell you the reason why…Since they’ve been gone a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, I feel truly happy and at peace that I don’t have to dodge them or make any excuses to not see them. I realised that they were affecting my happiness and they needed to go!!
Whether friend, family or significant other, if that person is hindering your growth, they do not deserve to be in your life. Surround yourself with like minded people who genuinely celebrate your growth and achievements, not people who are manipulative or who only celebrates about them and not acknowledge your feelings.
How to spot a toxic person:
They constantly put you down
Competes with you in everything ( even if its minor)
Selfish- It’s always their way or no way
You dread seeing/talking to them
Always plays the victim
Once you have spotted who’s toxic around you. Its your decision to learn how to remove that toxic energy from your life
I understand that you can’t remove people out of your life just like that, so I suggest that you talk to them beforehand and explain your concerns and if they don’t change or keep up the consistency, then its up to you whether you want to keep this toxic relationship going or put an end to it.
How to remove toxicity out of your life:
Put yourself first
Re-evalaute your relationship with that person
Delete the person of all social media accounts
Surround yourself with like minded people
Understand that this is a blessing and that this relationship is not a reflection of you as a person
Journaling- Write down your feelings towards that person and then let it go. Some examples are, throwing it away, burn it, hide it or release it in some form